Flipping through an old journal of mine, I stopped at one particular entry I’d written back in early 2017. I had recently made the decision to break up with a boyfriend and journaled my private thoughts as a personal way of making peace with closing out a 5+ year relationship. That’s when I gasped, realizing the date again: I had been celibate for 7 years as of writing it!
How has being single and celibate become so easy for me throughout the years that I managed to completely disregard how much time had passed?
As a 33 year old woman in 2024, I have long given up the idea of partaking in the societally-traditional path or family in this lifetime. I wish for a deeper and more unique experience for myself, given personal circumstances. Needless to say, in a generation thriving off the hook-up culture mentality, it has especially grown to be a rare instance for one to remain as committed to their celibacy as I have. I will admit, I often giggled at the thought of becoming “that aunt”, although I’ve grown to be quite fond of its somewhat adumbrate reality.
Still, this is my story. I realize some stranger out there will question its authenticity, perhaps claim it outrageous or make ridiculous assumptions as to why “no man wants me”. I’ve already heard it all, am accustomed to being misunderstood and have become accepting of it. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t change a single thing about my sexuality or past dating life. Every experience played its own intricate role in shaping me into the woman I have become today. I hold little regret overall.
This is by no means a man-bashing blog post, nor will I “expose” any of my exes in a deranged attempt to blame anyone for how I allowed myself to be treated or for my current choice to remain single. This is me offering an accountable deep-dive into a personal experience, whilst sharing it publicly in high hopes of sparking mature realizations and impressions within a curious (and perhaps relating) audience.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
A lot can be said about a person’s attachment style toward relationships based on their early upbringing. Those who were witness to divorce, death, (unintentional) abuse or upright abandonment by either parent or caregiver (whether the experience is recalled by the child or not) are subject to reverting to different coping mechanisms as adults. Some run from the potential of a love connection due to an unconscious fear of vulnerability or abandonment, as an example, while others cling tightly for the same reason(s). Then, there are the few “lucky ones” whom have experienced a stable, caring and healthy dynamic (statistically with both parents) within a household, thus learning from a young age how to lead with a more secure attachment style. Additionally, your upbringing will likely influence the type of person you will attract and/or are attracted to, usually mirroring (or directly contradicting) a parental figure.
From my own life, it has become evident that different partners (or even the same ones, given the right opportunities) can cause you to behave contrastingly, although this is highly contingent on whether or not one had taken the appropriate action and/or accountability toward personal healing (ie. through therapy, deep self reflection, etc.) in order to truly change their innate behaviors and reactions beyond the “honeymoon period”. The characteristics of the other plays an important role as well. After all, it takes two…
My first love introduced a side of me I’d never known before. I gripped at every opportunity to be with him, desperately requiring his reassurance and approval in the process. I was 17 years old when I met him, quickly and willingly offering my virginity without thinking thrice as I had in all previous (and inevitably following) connections. One may easily say I was young and naive, and although this is true, I realized many years later I was anxiously chasing a companionship and validation I always wanted as a child, but never quite received. Long story short, we had a compatible yet unstable on-off connection for a few years, before he eventually put it to an end.
Whereas in my second long-term relationship, I reverted to my typical “laid back” disorganized attachment style (anxious-avoidant behavior), waiting a few months before finally giving myself to him, and rarely making a fuss when he’d limit plans or choose to hang out with his boys instead. In more than a few instances, I resorted to rejecting him from coming over during times I was in deep emotional or physical pain (often due to my battle with chronic illness at the time). The initial spark of attraction dwindled, and as the years rolled by we’d see each other less, eventually leaving it to a typical Sunday afternoon stroll or dine-in at a local Pizza Hut. I was admittedly accepting of it all, despite family and friends cocking their heads and inputting their “this isn’t healthy” opinions, which later ended up proving to be true.
These major experiences alone taught me I had some work to do on myself before I could fall into yet another commitment. And so, at the age of 26, my celibacy officially began…
From the “Yes Man” to the “No Woman”
Although there were plenty of happy reasons I convinced myself to remain in particular connections at the time, the negatives far outweighed the positives in the long run. I realized I became the “easy to please” cool girlfriend because I was accustomed to being neglected. There were times even their friends would break “the code” to tell me I deserved better, but I would rarely listen. I was fearlessly loyal and had something to prove, even if only to myself. Looking back I often wished I never tolerated as much as I had, although I understand now these experiences were somewhat inevitable.
Then, I’d turn my cheek whilst knowingly being cheated on or placed in “secret” competitions with other women. I have never experienced a vacation with a boyfriend, let alone lived with one, and had rarely been taken out on dates I didn’t have to prompt (or foolishly beg) a man for beyond his initial courting. I was used to being dismissed or reminded of the simple fact that I’m “not his wife”, and thus unprioritized as such. I often became the reliant girlfriend that wasn’t worth the same amount of care or respect I was able to give. Sometimes, I played the “therapist role”, who upon offering sound advice or holding a man accountable in his progress, would be quickly silenced, discarded or misjudged as “overreacting”. And sometimes I would overreact, after all there’s only so much a girl can take before she snaps…
I said “yes” to their poor behavior because I wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to accept it all, whilst simultaneously running from potentially experiencing a deeper emotional connection altogether. I adopted false narratives that caused me to be mistreated all to eventually become cherished or the one who could “change him”. It’s somewhat shameful to admit how much I welcomed men to criticize, dispose, use and disrespect me to varying degrees…
Until I began to firmly say “no”.
Midway through my last relationship, in the height of familial trauma, I began to recognize how much my father’s covert narcissism and life-long alcohol addiction had a negative effect on how I allowed myself to be treated by men, foolishly misrepresenting myself as the understanding and empathic woman I am. Perhaps this is a deep-rooted reason why it eventually became so effortless for me to turn away from those capable of misdirection. The fact is, I grew tired of rejecting myself. Most importantly, throughout the following years, I forgave myself for it. I eventually learned how to love me, and how to be accepting of love; inadvertently beginning to uncover a more secure attachment approach, even if only toward myself as a healthy starting point.
Negative Sexual Implications
There had been a few times within these several years that I’d gone on dates, at one point succumbing to a couple drunken nights of foreplay with a potential prospect, but I’d quickly become disappointed thereafter. I was foolishly under the impression my celibacy would gauge respect from the opposite sex, although I realized the men I attracted still expected my past behavioral allowances as though it was an unspoken challenge to them. Upon noticing the patterns I’d immediately fall back, without a single one making the conscious effort to pursue a deeper connection outside of the sporadic love-bomb or by offering themselves as some sort of unattached sex-toy should I ever become willing. So I brushed them off and continued to reaffirm my new set of values; unbending for any man unable or unwilling to meet me there, too. Hot-and-cold behavior was no longer tolerated, from them or from myself.
On a similar (and unfortunately more common) note, plenty of men have long claimed they rather “purity” in their woman, meaning she has as little-to-no sexual partners; who honors her body by not-so easily giving it away or “showing it off” to the public eye. Yet many of those same men, I have found, are often territorial hunters willing to go to more extreme lengths to “conquer their goal” through forms of manipulation, breadcrumbing or even force ─and they’re being celebrated for it: the more women’s panties he collects, the greater “Alpha Man” he becomes. Otherwise, they further contradict themselves by falling into temptation, following (even financing) half-naked women to masturbate to, but would allegedly never marry. Moreover, the widely accepted soft-porn culture we live in today has made these men less likely to commit and more women confused on how to appropriately respond, resulting in more “Only Fans” options as a form of personal and sexual empowerment from either sex.
Perhaps one could argue this take is rather extreme, semi-anti-feminist or inaccurately bias based on the aforementioned “daddy issues”, although it’s a truth many continually experience on countless occasions. In fact, ask any woman, and she will tell you about a time a man mishandled her when she respectfully said “no” to his sexual advances, or how he deceived her to let her guard down thus pressuring her to become or feel like an object. The reverse is also unfortunately true for kind men whom are continuously violated, tricked or taken advantage of by lustful women, especially materially.
I for one had never fallen into the false entrapment of exposing my body for attention or gain (mainly due to my overall discomfort with the male gaze), but rather turned to other forms of creative sexual expression, such as writing fiction erotica ━until I began receiving unsolicited “phallic pictures” and messages from fans mistaking my craft as an invitation, eventually ruining the experience for not only myself as a creative, but for those whom more respectfully enjoy this form of written art. To my dedicated smut-readers, this is largely the reason why I have long-discontinued the “Diary of a Single Girl” series.
In my day to day life, I gradually became the type of woman who would actively repel men as a form of personal safety, but this reaction rarely made an impact on how I was treated by the opposite sex. The more I’d reject their false intentions and advances, the more they'd push themselves onto me, actively misconstrue my blatant (albeit friendly) disinterest in them as a "fear of commitment", or more commonly, verbally abuse me. My most recent negative encounter occurred while I was reading a book on a public park bench in Paris, dressed in a baggy t-shirt, leggings and combat boots (as if this detail makes any real difference), when a man suddenly decided he had the right to aggressively grip my body as though it was his property, becoming increasingly aroused by my dismissal. Luckily, it was quickly interrupted by three gentleman cops, who didn’t take lightly to his actions; reminding me good, caring men exist in the world.
Personal Discovery and Respect
While undergoing various personal therapy practices and incorporating a self-help lifestyle (even becoming Board Certified in a few healing modalities myself: including NLP, TimeLine Therapy and Hypnotherapy), I’d begun to transform my perspective on how I want and deserve to be treated; willing to remain single as long as it takes until I’d find the right partner, whilst teaching myself how to remain happy should he never come to pass.
Becoming celibate allowed me to start saying “yes” to myself. This was never a religious choice, as I’m sure many would assume, but more-so a psychological and spiritual one. I reclaimed most of my independence by moving to cities I always imagined myself living in, removing the once unconscious need to do it with someone else. Traveling alone, as an example, offers me the ability to take back control of my body, mind and soul; I began to learn more about who I am, what I like, and how I want to live…
If I wasn’t serving or dependent on someone else, what would my purpose be? I discovered and prioritized hidden talents and hobbies, breaking out of my comfort zone at every opportunity. In 2020, while living alone across the country from family and friends (and during the peak of a pandemic), I opened up about my natural psychic abilities ━a truth that terrified me to admit publicly since I was a child━ and have since led by example hundreds of people toward their true authenticity. Hiding was no longer an option for me: I deserved to be seen, and the payoff far outweighed the fear. I had finally uncovered my destiny and contribution to society by learning how to confidently be me ━alas, while single and childless. The audacity!
Admittedly, I hadn’t expected my adulthood to take such a route, although I’ve long-now decided that instead of playing victim or weaponizing my sexuality, I would continue to make healthier choices for myself. Fact is, I have felt more fulfilled in my years of celibacy than I ever had before. It doesn’t mean I will choose to remain single for the rest of my life, but it is a future I will happily accept if it means I'd never again feel as though I am settling for a connection that negates the work I have actively put into myself throughout several years. Perhaps this is too “selfish” of a perspective. So be it. Regardless of the external opinions of my chosen lifestyle, I implemented a deep level of interconnection through building a community I never would have thought possible had I not taken the appropriate risk(s) by actively healing and putting myself out there.
These days, it is widely proclaimed that a woman is here to be a wife and birth a child… but what if you’re unable, as I am? Not only has my chronic illness drastically lessened my ability to conceive, but I have yet to encounter a man willing to be a healthy and stable partner for me, let alone without the possibility of bearing his children. Perhaps in due time I will come across the right man for me, and until then, I’ve consciously made the decision to do whatever it takes to be a soft-yet-stable woman in all possible ways, despite the opposing narratives. I am just as much of a woman as the traditional mother next door, and no one can ever convince me otherwise!
Worth the Wait
As a demi-sapiosexual, I’m highly stimulated by individuality and intellectualism whilst requiring an emotional connection before I could “get naked” and jump into a romantic commitment of any kind. Contrary to further assumptions about celibacy, my sex-drive continues to remain as high as it had in my early 20s ━only now it’s limited to the right type of person. Perhaps it’s the hopeless romantic in me to wait for the perfect manifestation of my compatible partner, although it only amplifies my will to be there for myself in the interim, for as long as it may require…
To allow myself to be truly loved for who I am and supported in my persistent growth on all levels, rather than objectified and disregarded, is the goal for my future union. I have acquired enough discernment to recognize when this person will step forward, ready to commit. And I am open to receive him in divine timing and guidance.
I’ve learned what most men desire in their woman is respect, not only from her but through the lens of his family, friends and society altogether. I’ve also observed that when a woman is capable and willing to offer him said expectation, her allowance of receiving forms of disrespect (via disloyalty, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, etc.) while still choosing to remain committed to him is, in essence, disrespectful. If a woman must disregard herself to feel wanted by a man, he is not “the one” ━and we ought to collectively learn how to refrain from falling into such an unhealthy paradox. Of course my general observation goes both ways, as no one deserves to be treated unjustly. Mistakes happen and there are exceptions to every rule or relationship quarrel, but when an action is repeated consistently it becomes intentional, albeit even if unconsciously. One or both parties must eventually break the karmic cycle or risk further disruption, mistrust and agony within their relationship(s).
Furthermore, I believe most people today tend to confuse happiness with purpose. Happiness is never truly cultivated externally but rather from within, based on personal perspective and how one chooses to handle adversity in life. Not having children or being single allows for a personal freedom that is difficult to experience without solitude; having children brings a level of responsibility and the type of love one simply cannot achieve without them (that is to say the individual even wants a child, which is another topic all on its own). Being alone can be hard. Being in a partnership can be hard. Being a parent can be hard. It is within choosing the most suitable “hard” for you that one is able to find their individual purpose in this lifetime. It’s about time we quit comparing and offering unsolicited expertise on other's personal choices in life, especially without considering their history and cause…
Regardless of what society claims of 30+ year olds, I am still very young. This world is full of amazing people, places and experiences waiting for me to encounter. To limit myself to anger or resentment, sitting in stagnation and repeated karmic patterns, or claim I can never live a fulfilled life unless it’s done through historically-traditional means, only falsifies my essence as a woman. I refuse to allow that for myself.
Instead, choosing to take control over my presence empowers me to continue to pay it forward. I have full faith in my journey and the impact I hold on others. It may not always be easy, although I’m willing to joyfully put in the effort to create a life I deem worth living. It’s okay if you disagree with my choices, nonetheless I am capable of supporting your lifestyle even if it contradicts my own. So long as we operate out of integrity, why must our differences of opinion be so harshly ruled? Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and continue to create a happier and healthier future for themselves, regardless.
They say, “love finds you when you least expect it”, therefore I’m making the best of my present situation while I can. Who knows when it could all change! Despite any societal judgements and universal unknowns, I finally accept I am worthy of the same type of love, patience, companionship and respect I am willing to offer. It exists because I do.
And I for one am worth the wait.